The Vertigo Monologues

Netflix Self-Torture Experiment Trilogy #56: Ed

Yep, another movie about animals playing sports.

Synopsis from Netflix: Ed the chimpanzee is more than just a mascot for the Santa Rosa Rockets — he’s actually talented enough to play third base. But when the team starts winning and Ed becomes a star, he’s sold by the team’s greedy owners. Ed’s fans and teammates are dismayed, but most devastated of all is Ed’s “roommate,” a pitcher (Matt LeBlanc) who gets cold feet when he plays but is learning to overcome it with the chimp’s help. Will they ever get Ed back?

My thoughts: Okay, I have several problems with this movie (aside from the obvious ones).

1. The team in question here is named the Santa Rosa Rockets. The Rockets. Why would a team called the Rockets have a chimpanzee for a mascot? (Maybe for the same reason the Phoenix Suns have a guy in a gorilla suit for a mascot, I guess. Still, it doesn’t make any sense.)
2. Just because the chimp was supposedly owned by Mickey Mantle doesn’t explain how it somehow knows all the rules of baseball. Are we to believe that the great Mickey Mantle spent his last remaining years (he died the year before this movie was released) teaching a chimpanzee to play third base? Heck, Mantle himself was a career outfielder who then played first base in his final two seasons.
3. The team owner decides to sell Ed the day before the championship game, which is way past the trading deadline in pro baseball.
4. THE GODDAMN CHIMPANZEE IS ANIMATRONIC! Why not just use a real chimpanzee? It’s not like it hasn’t been done before and it’s not like animatronics are somehow cheaper than an animal handler. (I actually have no idea if that’s true or not but I still feel cheated.)

I’ve also been working on some jokes comparing Matt LeBlanc’s acting skills to those of a chimpanzee but I’m going to leave them out because I’m pretty sure every one of you reading this already made them to yourself when you read the synopsis. [One out of five stars.]