Netflix Self-Torture Experiment Trilogy #61 - Without a Paddle: Nature’s Calling
Having surpassed my 60 movie goal, I hope this one is really bad to commemorate the achievement.
Synopsis from Netflix: To grant an old woman’s dying wish, Zach (Kristopher Turner) agrees to look for her granddaughter, Heather, who lives deep in the woods. Zach’s buddy Ben (Oliver James) and Heather’s British cousin, Nigel (Rik Young), tag along, expecting a simple road trip. But none of them is ready for the wilderness ahead — including a haunted river, drunk townspeople and a band of angry squirrels — in this outrageous comedy.
My thoughts (useless spoilers included): There was so much that was idiotic and wrong with this movie that I’m not really in the mood to describe much of it. What it boils down to is two wholly uninteresting main characters (Zach and Ben) tracking down some lady’s granddaughter, who just happens to be Ben’s long-lost crush from high school. They go through some really stupid shenanigans, including a bizarre cameo from Jerry Rice of all people, and eventually find Heather and a beautiful friend of hers in the woods. The big twist at the end is that Heather ends up in love with Zach, Ben ends up in love with Heather’s friend, and nobody in the viewing audience gives a shit.
Let me put it this way: right before I watched this film, I was shaving with a brand-new razor and I sliced the hell out of my ear somehow. I was bleeding pretty bad for a while but I got the pain to stop. If I had the choice now in retrospect, I would have preferred to continue bleeding for an hour and a half than to have watched Without a Paddle: Nature’s Calling. [One out of five stars.]
